All parents know the frustration of a little one who occasionally acts like a little devil. The reaction is natural: Why are they acting this way? Why don’t they listen? In truth, the best place to start helping your child may be by focusing on yourself.
Raising young children requires physical, emotional, and mental control, all while navigating the normal day-to-day stressors of life. Keeping control, which researchers refer to as “self-regulation,” is necessary for several reasons. Not only does it curb a parent’s use of harsh (and ineffective) discipline, but it also supports a child’s healthy development.
In a column she wrote on this subject, child psychologist Cara Goodwin cited research that found “parents with better self-regulation skills showed more positive parenting skills and had children with better regulation themselves and fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression.”
That Sounds Great, But I’m Stressed!
Let’s face it: Tantrums happen. Nerves get frayed. Patience runs out. And when anger and frustration happen, it raises stress levels for both parent and child. The key for parents is to become the calming, steady lighthouse that a stressed-out kid can (eventually) sail toward.
A good approach is to lay out a clear set of expectations that you gently and consistently reinforce. Here are three steps to making that happen:
- Have a game plan. Can you predict those situations that are likely to spark a meltdown? Is it when you pack up to leave the playground? Or in the middle of the grocery store? If so, prepare yourself and your child. Think about what will cause the friction and what reactions you will – and won’t – allow. Doing so provides structure for the activity and lays the foundation for expected behavior. For instance, you may say, “We’re going to the grocery store to buy things for dinner. We’re not going down the candy aisle.”
Easterseals Advantage: At our Child Development Centers, teachers are careful to explain the rules before starting a new activity, such as water play. They tell the children, “Before we can head outside, let’s remember that we need to play safely. We walk and we splash water only on ourselves.” That preparation makes it easier for a teacher to intervene calmly when someone deviates from what’s expected.
- Be prepared for the plan to hit a hurdle. When Dad says it’s time to clean up and Junior says no and keeps playing, Dad shouldn’t react by giving a countdown, repeatedly asking for compliance, or making empty threats. That negativity shows Junior that when he delays, he gets more of Dad’s attention.
A good game plan considers that a child may not want to behave. When that happens, plan to connect before you correct. Use a short, positive phrase like, "Time to put the toys away," instead of asking, "Can you clean up?" Then, model the behavior you want to see. Pitch in and clean up alongside them, creating a positive engagement with your child, not a power struggle. You’re also creating a routine that includes them, enabling you to remain the dependable role model that your child needs.
- Offer a clear path back to good behavior. It’s important to acknowledge your child’s feelings, but to do so in a way that doesn’t encourage their bad behavior. Tone is essential; be matter-of-fact about what you’re seeing, not overly emotional: “I see you’re having big feelings about not getting your way. I’m going to sit here and take some deep breaths while you calm down.” This approach tells them their feelings are acceptable but their behavior is not. It also gives them a strong connection, along with an appropriate correction.
Easterseals Advantage: Our teachers are trained in the skillful use of “artful redirection.” That is, when bad behavior persists, they end the activity calmly and redirect the group to an alternative: “We’re going to stop water play, because we can’t do it safely. Let’s go inside and read a book instead.” No overreaction, no threats. Just a clear description of action and consequence.
Raising children isn’t easy. Parents who can recognize their own feelings and reactions can manage challenging behaviors while developing their child’s social, emotional, and language skills. This strengthens the parent-child relationship for ongoing growth and development.
